Mediation is an alternative dispute resolution process that allows two parties to work together with a neutral third party mediator to create a custom agreement. Mediation is a constructive process designed to help both parties reach a fair settlement without the adversarial nature of a courtroom. However, the words you choose during mediation can significantly impact the outcome. Avoiding certain phrases and attitudes can ensure the process remains productive and respectful. For this article, we will be focusing on divorce mediation. Here’s what not to say during divorce mediation:
1. Don’t Assign Blame: “This is all your fault.”
For mediation to be effective, both sides must openly communicate their wishes and desires. Divorce mediation requires collaboration to reach an agreement that both sides are happy with.
When one party assigns blame to the other, it can shut down communication and collaboration. Blaming the other party creates hostility and undermines the cooperative nature of mediation. Instead, you should focus on finding solutions to your problems rather than assigning blame. Keep discussions centered on resolving disputes, finding agreements where possible, and moving forward when stuck on issues.
If your partner is consistently assigning blame to you, or struggling to see issues from your perspective, then you may find it helpful to read our article “How to Prepare for Mediation with a Narcissist.”
2. Don’t be Extreme: “I don’t care; just give me everything.”
Both parties must reach an agreement in mediation. If both sides do not, or cannot, agree on a resolution during mediation, then the parties will have to resort to long court proceedings in front of a judge.
Making statements of indifference or extreme demands will come across as unreasonable. Divorce mediation relies on compromise, so be prepared to negotiate in good faith. Express your priorities calmly and clearly without making ultimatums. It will also help if you can put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and see their perspective. That will help you understand why there are disagreements between the parties.
3. Don’t Speak for Your Lawyer: “My lawyer said you’re wrong.”
In mediation, all involved parties are able to hire their own lawyer to help represent them. You can meet with your lawyer outside of mediation sessions to discuss your goals and possible strategies you can employ to reach those goals. Your lawyer will ensure your rights are upheld and will advocate/negotiate for you in many situations.
While you may rely on legal advice, directly quoting or using your attorney’s words to discredit the other party can shut down open communication. You should work with your attorney and present your points respectfully. It may also help to allow the mediator to guide the discussion between the parties.
4. Don’t Use Your Kids Against Your Partner: “The kids will choose me.”
Emotions can run high when children are involved in a divorce. While it’s understandable to be upset, using children as leverage is highly discouraged. It not only harms your co-parenting relationship but can also backfire in custody negotiations. Courts and mediators will focus on the best interests of the children, so you should focus on creating a parenting plan that serves the best interests of the children, not just your own best interests.
Unless there is a credible reason why one parent shouldn’t receive parenting time (such as neglect or drug abuse), courts typically agree that it is in the best interests of the children to have both parents present. If you beleive your partner should not receive parenting time, then you should offer documented proof to show they are unfit to parent, but you should not use the children against your partner.
5. Don’t Use Threats: “I’ll see you in court if you don’t agree.”
Threats to take matters to court undermine the purpose of mediation. Instead of escalating tensions, express your willingness to collaborate while clearly stating your needs. It is possible to skip mediation and go straight to court but this route is typically not recommended, and threatening to take matters to court will drastically increase the amount of time the divorce takes, and the stress you feel during it.
6. Don’t Agree Too Early: “Whatever you want, I just want this over with.”
Though it’s tempting to end the process quickly, agreeing to terms without considering long-term implications can lead to regret. Take your time to evaluate each proposal carefully and ensure the agreement aligns with your goals.
Conclusion: What Not to Say During Divorce Mediation
Divorce mediation is an opportunity to resolve your divorce amicably by communicating your issues and working collaborativley to resolve them. By avoiding confrontational or dismissive language, you can build a foundation for fair outcomes and reduce stress for everyone involved. If you’re unsure how to navigate mediation effectively, seek guidance from an experienced family law attorney to ensure your interests are protected.
Remember to check your local county courthouse’s website to find a list of local mediators and their contact information.
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Disclaimer: This article (What Not to Say During Divorce Mediation) may contain information that is outdated as Illinois law continuously evolves. Meeting with an experienced family law attorney is the best way to ensure you are receiving the most current information about What Not to Say During Divorce Mediation.
Published by Dustin Koth on February 18, 2025
