While ending any marriage is rarely a smooth process, divorcing a narcissistic partner introduces a whole new level of challenges and complexities. Living with a narcissist can be draining and emotionally taxing, and as you step into the divorce process, you might find yourself facing a storm of manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional upheaval. Remember that your well-being and the well-being of any children involved are of utmost importance.
By learning what to expect when divorcing a narcissist and seeking the guidance of professionals, friends, and family, you can make informed decisions and reclaim control of your life. In this article, we will provide an understanding of what it truly means to divorce a narcissist and how you can find strength and resilience amidst the chaos.
WHAT IS NARCISSM?
Before we dive into what to expect when divorcing a narcissist, it is important to truly understand what a narcissist is. Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as a mental health condition in which a person has an extremely high sense of self-importance and seeks copious amounts of attention and admiration from others. They do have a hard time considering the feelings of others and may seem extremely confident but struggle receiving criticism and often secretly question their self-worth.
Symptoms of Narcissism
Mayo Clinic lists symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder as the following:
- Having an unreasonable sense of self-importance and a need for excessive attention/admiration.
- Feeling as though they deserve special privileges and treatment.
- They belittle other people to make themselves appear more superior.
- Taking advantage of others to get what they want.
- Expecting to be recognized as superior to others even without status or title.
- Being extremely critical of others and looking down on people they feel are less important than themselves.
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation, and fear of being exposed as a failure.
- Make their own achievements and talents seem greater than they really are.
- Being preoccupied with a power fantasy about their own success, inteligence, or attractiveness.
- Believing they are superior to their peers and can only be understood by equally special people.
- They expect special favors and expect others to do what they want without being questioned
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
- A need to have the best version of everything — for example, the best job or car.
- Cannot manage their emotions and behavior.
- Cannot deal with stress and change.
- Avoiding situations in which they could fail.
Narcissism is often treated through talk-therapy. However, many narcissists refuse to obtain treatment for the disorder itself as they often believe they are not narcissists. If multiple of the symptoms above describe your spouse or partner, you may be in the process of divorcing a narcissist.
A NARCISSIST’S REACTION TO DIVORCE
A narcissist’s reaction to their own divorce can vary widely depending on the individual and the specific circumstances of the divorce. Keeping in mind the above symptoms, it is not uncommon for a narcissist to have an adverse reaction to a divorce, regardless of which party may have filed.
Some common patterns of behavior exhibited by narcissists during divorce include:
- Denial and blame-shifting
- Anger and defensiveness
- Attempts at reconciliation or manipulation
- Emotional manipulation and gaslighting
- Refusal to cooperate
- Public image management
- Financial gamesmanship
- Using children as pawns
- Seeking revenge
These reactions listed above can vary depending on the narcissist. These reactions could also be worse if you caught the narcissist cheating or lying. To learn more about “What Happens in a Divorce When a Spouse Cheats in Illinois?” click the link.
HOW TO APPROACH DIVORCING A NARCISSIST
Divorcing a narcissist can be an emotionally draining and challenging experience. You may find yourself falling into their tactics of manipulation, struggling with parenting if there are children involved, or even wondering if the process will ever end. However, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and navigate the process more effectively.
Here are some essential actions to consider:
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Educate Yourself:
Learn about narcissism and its characteristics, so you can better understand your spouse’s behavior and anticipate their tactics during the divorce process. Being informed empowers you to maintain a level-headed approach and not fall prey to manipulation.
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Seek Professional Support:
Consider consulting with an experienced divorce attorney who has dealt with high-conflict cases involving narcissistic individuals. An attorney can provide invaluable guidance, protect your legal rights, and advocate for your interests in court. To learn more about the cost of hiring a good family law attorney, check out our article titled “How Much Does a Family Law Attorney Cost in Illinois?“
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Gather Evidence:
Documentation is crucial when dealing with a narcissist. Keep records of conversations, emails, text messages, financial transactions, and any incidents of abusive or manipulative behavior. This evidence may be vital in court to support your claims. You can also subpoena any information you may need. To learn more about the power of subpoena, check out our article titled “Who Can be Subpoenaed in a Divorce Case in Illinois?” You may also want to check out “Can I Use a Voice Recording as Evidence in Family Court in Illinois?” to learn more about what evidence you can admit during a trial.
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Establish Boundaries:
Narcissists often try to maintain control during the divorce process by crossing boundaries or engaging in emotional blackmail. Set clear boundaries and limit communication to minimize their ability to manipulate or harass you.
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Focus on Your Well-Being:
Divorcing a narcissist can be emotionally taxing. Prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Taking care of your mental and emotional health is essential during this challenging time.
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Don’t Engage in Power Struggles:
Narcissists thrive on conflict and attention. Avoid engaging in unnecessary power struggles or arguments, as this may only escalate the situation. Choose your battles wisely and remain focused on the end goal.
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Protect Your Finances:
Narcissists may try to hide assets or manipulate financial information during a divorce. Work with your attorney and financial professionals to ensure your financial interests are safeguarded.
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Eliminate Hopes of Negotiation:
Narcissists are almost always in it to win it. Where in many divorce cases, negotiating assets, child-custody, etc. may be achievable, it is likely not with a narcissist. Trying to negotiate will likely just put your own and possibly your child’s interests at risk.
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Develop a Parenting Plan:
If you have children, prioritize their well-being and create a detailed parenting plan that addresses custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and decision-making responsibilities. Consider parallel parenting, which limits direct communication between you and your ex-spouse.
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Stay Calm and Assertive:
Divorcing a narcissist can be emotionally triggering but try to remain calm and assertive in your interactions. Keep the focus on the facts and avoid getting drawn into emotional arguments.
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Stay Persistent:
The divorce process with a narcissist may take longer than usual due to their attempts to delay or disrupt proceedings. Stay persistent and trust in the legal system to eventually reach a resolution.
Conclusion: What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist
Remember that divorcing a narcissist is a process, and it may not be easy. Surround yourself with a support network, including friends, family, and professionals, to help you navigate through the challenges. Keep your long-term well-being and that of your children as your ultimate goal, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
MEET WITH AN ILLINOIS FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY TODAY
The Family Law attorneys at Koth Gregory & Nieminski understand that your family is the top priority, which is why we offer SAME-DAY APPOINTMENTS. If you need a divorce or other family law services, you can schedule your first meeting through our online appointment calendar. We look forward to meeting you.
Disclaimer: This article (What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist) may contain information that is outdated as Illinois law continuously evolves. Meeting with an experienced family law attorney is the best way to ensure you are receiving the most current information about What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist.
Published by Dustin Koth on February 15, 2024
